Light Relief

Just in case you’re feeling a bit down, or you have writers block, this is a page of jokes to lighten your mood. Please be aware that some of these jokes may contain some very strong language.

New ones will be added at the top on an occasional basis, as and when I can be arsed.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked
into the room in tears. ‘What’s wrong?’ asked the mother.
‘I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,’ replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what
happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the
room in tears.
‘Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.’
Again the mother told her
not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
‘It’s okay’ said the Mom,
‘I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and
a bullet came out.’

‘No,’ said the boy, ‘I was playing with myself and I
shot the dog.’

Something Fishy – this is one of my all-time favourite jokes

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that  patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I couldn’t have any worries about being eaten…”

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, “Your wish is granted”, and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does…) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can’t believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail – it’s much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked. “He’s at home,distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark”, came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again. Christian replied “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re a shark, the enemy and I’ll not be tricked. ” Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed”

…(wait for it) . . .

“I’ve found Cod, I’m a prawn again Christian

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex

4. It is important that these three women never meet.

Click here to open it in a new window.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

Let’s find out just how clever you really are….

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
Absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
But don’t take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are…?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You’re not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000. Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?

Did you get 5000 ?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don’t believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you’ll get the last question right….
.Maybe.

Fourth Question:
Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn’t.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
Imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
Expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
Done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
Sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

He just has to open his mouth and ask…

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first

man prayed:
“God, please give me the strength to cross the river.”

Poof! …. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim Across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: “God, please give me
strength And the tools to cross the river”

Poof! …. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and
he was Able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
“God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to
cross The river”

Poof! … He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
Hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your  neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he’ll kill us.  Be strong, honey. I love you”

To which the wife responds, “He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.  Be strong, honey. I love you, too.”…

To assist other motorists in identifying potentially dangerous drivers, the government has decided it is now compulsory for anyone with an IQ of lower than 90 to identify themselves whilst driving by flying a warning flag on their vehicle. This flag should  comprise of a red cross on a white background and should be attached to the top of at least one side window of the vehicle.

For drivers of exceptionally low intellect, an additional flag is required on the opposite side of the vehicle. For an explanation of the word ‘opposite’, drivers of low intelligence should consult a dictionary . A dictionary is a book with words listed in alphabetical order and it gives the meanings of those words.

Drivers of white vans need not attach flags since their low IQ has already been assumed by the rest of the public. However, they may do so if they wish.

Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: “They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s just come in his shorts.”

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.”

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards’ tyre choice on World superbike racing: “Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now.”

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: “She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night.”

Winning Post’s Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy’s formidable lead: “Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees.”

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: “Well Phil tell us about your amazing third leg.”

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: “With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off.”

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: “There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.”

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: “What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Rubens Barrichello?”

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69.”

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:”They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions.”

Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude: “There’s something big growing between my legs.”

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: “You’d eat beaver if you could get it.”

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?”. Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator – “One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!”

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator – “This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.”

New Zealand Rugby Commentator – “Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.”

Pat Glenn – Weightlifting commentator – “And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!”

The other night I was invited out for a night with the lads, and I told the misses that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!”

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.  Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up & Cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing she’d probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted  solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with  her.

The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in, & I told him  12:00. She seemed to accept it. Whew! Got away with that one! Then she said, – “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked her why, she said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh shit,” cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped  over the cat and farted.

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour.
In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said,

“Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?”
“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”
“Triple filter?” asked the acquaintance.
“That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my student let’s take a moment to filter what you’re going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”
“No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it.”
“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not.Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”
“No, on the contrary …”.
“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you’re not certain it’s true?”.
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued.” You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter – the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”
“No, not really…”
“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?”

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife